30 August 2014

The Ultimate Trailer for the Ultimate Movie


INT. COLLEGE LIBRARY - DAY

A young student, JACOB, reads an old book in the most romantic section of the library.

EMILY (V.O.)
We may be separated by great oceans, mountains, universes of souls, but you are me, and I you, one and the same, now and forever.

Jacob turns to the title page. It’s an 1850s edition of Lilies and Lace by Emily Washington. Her wood block portrait stares back at him.

JACOB (V.O.)
She’s haunted me all my life.

CUT TO:

INT. LABORATORY - DAY

Jacob and his friend, BILL, wear lab coats and examine smoking beakers.

JACOB
I just know it was meant to be. There must be some way can meet.

BILL
But she’s been dead for 150 years.

INSERT:

Her gravestone, neglected but readable. EMILY WASHINGTON, 1839-1859, OUR BELOVED.

BILL (V.O.) (CONT’D)
You’d need some kind of time machine.

CLOSE ON:

Jacob, his eyes gleaming.

CUT TO:

BLACK VOID

Jacob in darkness, his arms outstretched, shouting as electricity flashes and sparks all around.

CUT TO:

BLACK

HOST (V.O.)
May I present to you Miss Emily Washington.

CUT TO:

INT. 1850S DINNER - NIGHT

EMILY WASHINGTON, the spitting image of the portrait, turns to greet Jacob, now dressed in period clothing.

JACOB
I’m a great enthusiast of your work.

She offers her hand. He takes it. Sparks fly.

She smiles. She has crooked and yellow teeth.

SFX: Record needle scratch.

EXT. GARDEN - DAY

Jacob and Bill walk through a path, Jacob head down and depressed.

JACOB
I can’t believe I built that time machine for nothing.

BILL
You’re just not thinking big enough. Check it, bro. I’m gonna show you how to get laid 1850s style!

CUT TO:

INT. BALLROOM - NIGHT

A GAGGLE OF 1850s KNOCKOUTS, dressed in their finest, chatter in the middle of the ballroom.

Jacob and Bill enter carting a keg and a tray of Jello shots.

BILL
Let’s get this party started!

SFX: “This Is How We Do It”

MONTAGE

As Jacob and Bill hand out red plastic cups of beer, Jello shots. The ladies are briefly confused, then immediately enthusiastic.

All drink, dance, party party party.

Bill jams on a harpsichord.

Jacob shows off a bottle of penicillin.

He makes out with one of the ladies. Emily walks in, sees them, pouts.

Another lady announces:

LADY
Dessert is served!

A SLAVE pushes in a dessert cart.

Jacob and Bill see the slave.

ZOOM IN:

On the slave.

SFX: Record needle scratch.

BILL
Dude, what year was slavery abolished?

JACOB
I don’t know.

CUT TO:

INT. SUPREME COURT - DAY

Jacob lectures the SUPREME COURT. Behind him, Bill and Emily sit at a table. The courtroom is packed.

JACOB
This is the issue that has long perplexed our nation. Our central paradox. But we cannot live long with this conflict. For it will--

BILL
Just show them the textbook.

Jacob hands the Supreme Court a copy of History of America, 1400 to Present.

He puts it on their table, flips through the pages.

JACOB
Uhh... Here we are. Civil War. Check that out. And what’s after.

The judges look at the book.

SFX: Gavel slamming down.

JUDGE
Slavery is hereby abolished!

The courtroom cheers.

Bill gives Jacob a thumbs up.

Jacob and Emily smile at each other. Sparks fly again.

Then she grins and shows her teeth. They’re still yellow and crooked.

SFX: Record needle scratch.

JACOB
Oh, right.

CUT TO:

EXT. EMILY’S HOUSE - DAY

It’s raining. Jacob runs through the storm.

SFX: “Solsbury Hill”

BILL (V.O.)
Dude, sometimes you just have to follow your heart.

Jacob races up to Emily’s window. It’s on the second story. He can see her through the window.

JACOB
Emily!

She looks out, sees him.

BILL (V.O.)
And sometimes your heart has to follow you.

He climbs up the ivy-covered wall. She opens her window. He reaches her and they kiss.

Behind her, the door opens. HENRY walks in.

HENRY
But Emily! I am your fiancee!

SFX: Record needle scratch.

EXT. BRIDGE - DAY

Jacob and Emily are running away from Henry, who is leading a PACK OF RUFFIANS toward them.

HENRY
After them!

Jacob and Emily reach the bridge, look down into the water.

JACOB
We’ll jump!

EMILY
But Jacob... I’m pregnant!

SFX: Record needle scratch.

INT. NURSERY - DAY

Jacob, Emily, and Bill stand around the cradle.

JACOB
He’s so cute.

EMILY
But he has... the devil’s eyes!

SFX: Record needle scratch.

The door opens. The wild-eyed DOC SMITH enters and grabs Jacob’s arm.

DOC SMITH
Your son is evil! To save him, we must go back... to the future!

SFX: Record needle scratch.

INT. TIME TUNNEL - IRRELEVANT

Hand in hand, Emily, Jacob, Bill, and Doc Smith fly through the time tunnel.

VOICEOVER GUY (V.O.)
This holiday season. Paravision Studios will give you everything you could want in a movie. Everything.

EXT. POST-APOCALYPTIC WASTELAND - DAY

The foursome stand in the rubble of a city.

DOC SMITH
We’ve gone too far! Your son has already taken over and destroyed the earth!

JACOB
Are you saying I have to... kill my own child?

SFX: Record needle scratch.

BILL
Dude, bummer.

EMILY
How can I deal with this?

She looks down in the rubble and sees a corpse holding a vial of cocaine.

SFX: Record needle scratch.

EMILY (CONT’D)
Oh, hello.

She opens the vial, snorts it.

INT. KITCHEN - DAY

Emily does a line of coke along the kitchen counter. Jacob bursts in.

JACOB
You’re ruining this family!

EMILY
(re: cocaine)
This is my family now!

Bill bursts in.

BILL
This post-apocalyptic radiation has given me superpowers!

He flies into the air.

CUT TO:

MONTAGE

Of random images from the previous scenes and whatever else
we can film and throw in there.

VOICEOVER GUY (V.O.)
You’ll laugh. You’ll cry. You’ll thrill. Then you’ll laugh again. Then there will be some more crying and thrilling. All of the emotions! All of the senses! Will be given the ride of their lives! When you see... For the Love of Party and Steel and Love and Drugs and Science and Also Drama and There’s a Superman Guy in Here Too. Coming soon to a theater near you!

CUT TO:

EXT. THEATER - DAY

The marquee has that title on it. A MAN and WOMAN walk out of the theater.

WOMAN
What did you think?

MAN
(shrugging)
It was alright.

WOMAN
Yeah.

END.

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