26 June 2014

True Story #3


HACKY COMEDIAN is on stage - young, male, energetic.

Hey, what would happen if you had sex with a Transformer? Huh?
(mimes sex)
Hey, I think you’re a little low on oil? Am I right? Yeah.

Crowd laughs.

But what if it transformed while you were having sex with it? Ouch, am I right? Maybe it would go like this.

He thrusts out his crotch and starts screaming.

Crowd laughs.


The corner. The comedian’s ASSISTANT is recording his performance.

The comedian continues to whoop it up. The crowd continues to laugh.



The crowd’s laughter now comes from the television.

The comedian and the assistant watch his performance. Serious faces on both of them.

     I think it’s great. It’s definitely your best bit.

     It’s not real.

     What’s not real?

     Me. I’m not buying it.

     But they’re laughing.

     It’s not real!

A beat.



The comedian places his penis between the jaws of a bench vise.

The assistant grabs the handle, looks at the comedian.

The comedian nods.

The assistant hesitates.

     Do it!

The assistant twists the handle.

The comedian screams.



The comedian is back on stage.

What about having sex with a Transformer? What would that be like, huh?
(mimes sex)
     Hey, I think your oil’s a little low!

Crowd laughs.

But what if it transforms while you’re having sex with it? Ouch, am I right? Optimus, no--

He screams. It's real and bloodcurdling.

The crowd erupts with laughter.

The comedian paces, soaking it in.

(to himself)
     There it is. There it is.

He pauses, waits for the laughter to die down.

And then what happens if the Transformer has sex with you? Whoa! Not on the first date!

He jerks his hips forward, waits for the laugh.

Nothing. Dry coughs.

Sweat appears on the comedian's forehead.


The corner. The assistant is recording the performance.

(moving on)
Hey, don’t you just hate other drivers. It’s like, where’s my jet pack?

A single tear spills down the assistant’s face.



18 June 2014

A Retired Steel Welder Reacts to the Article "Young Writer Earns Six Figures With Erotic One Direction Fan Fiction"

He saw the headline on Facebook, where it had been posted by his daughter-in-law. "Six figures?" he said to himself. He clicked the link and scanned the article. It was about that boy band his grandniece was in love with. "Son of a bee sting," he said. "Is that what people are paying money for nowadays?" He leaned back in his chair. "Well. Alright then." He leaned forward and opened up Word and began to type.

She was young. Sixteen which is the legal age hereabouts. Pretty like hot sparks from a GMAW welding gun against steel. Just beginning to blossom as a woman. She was waiting for the One Direction outside of a concert that was at a stadium. She was with a bunch of other young girls and some boys too because the parents let all kinds of things go on these days. They all loved the One Direction but she loved them the most. And she was going to prove it.

The concert was over. The big gates opened. A limo drove out of the stadium. All the young girls and boys started yelling real loud in a way that was not at all necessary but you know how they get. Inside the limo was the One Direction.

The young girl pushed aside some other young girls and walked right out in front of the limo. Now you shouldnt walk out in front of any moving vehicle but this just goes to show how crazy she was. Lucky for her the limo stopped. Otherwise this would be a different story but one all too common. "Please let me in" she said. "My name is Candice and I love you the best." A window rolled down. A tiny hand like a childs came out and waved Candice over. She was getting invited into the limo! She ran to the limo and a door opened. She got inside and the limo drove away.

Inside the limo was the One Direction. All five members. They all had nice hair and were wearing nice clothes that were very expensive and they smelled nice because their parents could afford to buy them whatever they wanted. They smiled at Candice. "Hi" said the one who looks kinda like he's maybe Italian or French. "You say you like us the best. We want you to prove it." "Oh I can" Candice said. "I can prove it like nobodys business."

The Italian one got out his you know his thing and it was hard like a 4140 Alloy Round Bar. Then another one got out his thing, it was the one who looks like he's probably got a kid somewhere, and he said "Prove it to both of us." "Okay" Candice said. So she took one thing in each hand and played with them a bit rubbing and stuff. "Oh yeah" they said. "We like that just fine. That'll do her."

They went on like that for a while and then the other three couldnt mind their own beeswax any longer and they said "We want to do something too." Candice thought about it and she said "Start kissing each other" which is a thing these young girls like to see these days. So they started kissing each other like you do just pecking on the lips at first because they werent sure about it but they liked it as these boys tend to do when they make that choice and then it was too late they were making like the people in the movies with their tongues.

It was getting on pretty late and Candice had a curfew. She didnt want to disappoint her parents because she wasnt a bad girl at heart just a bit wayward so she could still be saved. She said "We best be getting along now so lets hurry this up and do the sex." The One Direction agreed. Whichever one was Harry said "Seeing as we're not married we should use protection because thats responsible well abstinence is really the most responsible and there's no reason for us to be doing sex before marriage but if we're going to anyway we'll need the protection." They opened a panel on the limo and inside was the protection. Goggles and leather gloves that would shield them from the heat of the love making. They distributed this protection to everybody in the limo and then Candice said "I'm ready."

Then they had the sex and I dont think I need to get too detailed about that I mean we all know about it even the kids these days even though they shouldnt thats the kind of sick world we live in. And afterward they dropped Candice off at home where her parents were waiting and really they should have been with her at the concert that was really not very responsible of them. "Bye bye" the One Direction said to her. "You really do love us the best." "Stop by and visit me anytime" she told them as they drove away. Nine months later she had a baby even though they used protection because it is not 100 percent so you know that now. She named the baby One Direction and then she went on welfare and we all ended up having to pay for the dang thing like we always do right?

He couldn't think of anything else to type and thought that might mean he was done. He took his wife's copy of The Purpose Driven Life off the shelf and looked at the publishing company. Zondervan. He opened Yahoo and typed in the company's name and brought up its website. He looked for an email address and found a request form. He typed in his email address and for the subject wrote "One Direction sex story for money please." He copy-and-pasted his story into the Description box and clicked "Submit." He sat back in his chair.  "Money in the bank," he said. 

17 June 2014

True Story #2

While on Hawaii's Big Island, I visited the southernmost point of the United States. Across from the parking lot was a cliff with a forty or fifty drop into beautiful blue water. People were jumping off the cliff from concrete platforms, climbing back up on a rickety metal ladder that ended just at the water's surface. There was also a hole in the ground nearby, through which local kids were dropping down into a pool directly beneath the cliff. The pool was undulating with the surf, so presumably there was a path from it to the cliff face and the ladder, but I sure wasn't going to find out.

Dropping off the cliff, on the other hand - plenty of fellow tourists were doing it, working up the courage and taking the plunge, swimming back up alive and hearty. I didn't want to do it, exactly, I just had to do it. I knew that. This was the kind of experience you go on vacation for, and besides, I was sweaty, dusty, and grimy from a five mile hike to a nearby green sand beach. I wanted to live in that stunning blue water.

I was with a friend who felt the same. We changed into our swimsuits in the car and returned to the cliff. An anxious teenager was working on his courage and failing. Encouragements from his parents and teases from his younger brother didn't help. When the teen snapped at the brother, the mother moved them along to the next jumping spot, which was apparently not as high.

A perky young woman then cut in front of my friend and I. She'd jumped off other platforms, but this one was more daunting for her. Her boyfriend was already in the water, so it didn't take much for her to find the strength to leap. SPLOOSH. A column of water shot up, she resurfaced and reunited with her man.

My friend's turn. After the typical hesitation, he leaped and survived. I watched him from above, asking him about the jump, waiting for him to swim back to the ladder so I wouldn't land on his head. When he reached the safe point, I stepped onto the platform, backed up until I couldn't see over the cliff. I took a breath. Everyone else has survived this, I thought. It's my turn. I walked forward and launched myself into the air.

That's when I looked down. A mistake. My body saw the distance it had to go and said: "You are going to die." My brain got the message and believed it. My spontaneous final words to the world: "Oh fuck!"

The best way to make such a jump is to keep your body in a line, legs together and arms tucked at your sides or crossed against your chest (that was the advice of the teasing younger brother). My body's death instinct, however, was to curl into the fetal position. As I dropped, my brain remembered too late that I wasn't going to die, and I should straighten out if I didn't want this to hurt. I hit the water in a neither/nor formation, my legs tucked up, knees downward, right arm and chest leaning toward the water, left away, head raised and held back, like it wouldn't feel the impact if my eyes couldn't see it. I landed with more SMACK than SPLOOSH, the salt water instantly filling my sinuses and ear canals.

I swam to the water to confirm that I was still alive, and began laughing at the absurdity of it all, my usual reaction in this kind of situation. I swam to the ladder, where my friend was just beginning his climb up. His bathing suit dripped water on me, and I realized I probably didn't want to be right beneath of him if he fell for some reason. I waited until he reached the top, then followed. The climb wasn't much fun itself, and when we were both safely back on land, neither of us were inclined to jump again.

The perky young woman was back on the platform, hand in hand with her boyfriend. "Let's shout 'love' when we jump," she suggested. They jumped. "Love!" she said into the air, then their hands came apart and they dropped into the water.