18 June 2014

A Retired Steel Welder Reacts to the Article "Young Writer Earns Six Figures With Erotic One Direction Fan Fiction"

He saw the headline on Facebook, where it had been posted by his daughter-in-law. "Six figures?" he said to himself. He clicked the link and scanned the article. It was about that boy band his grandniece was in love with. "Son of a bee sting," he said. "Is that what people are paying money for nowadays?" He leaned back in his chair. "Well. Alright then." He leaned forward and opened up Word and began to type.

She was young. Sixteen which is the legal age hereabouts. Pretty like hot sparks from a GMAW welding gun against steel. Just beginning to blossom as a woman. She was waiting for the One Direction outside of a concert that was at a stadium. She was with a bunch of other young girls and some boys too because the parents let all kinds of things go on these days. They all loved the One Direction but she loved them the most. And she was going to prove it.

The concert was over. The big gates opened. A limo drove out of the stadium. All the young girls and boys started yelling real loud in a way that was not at all necessary but you know how they get. Inside the limo was the One Direction.

The young girl pushed aside some other young girls and walked right out in front of the limo. Now you shouldnt walk out in front of any moving vehicle but this just goes to show how crazy she was. Lucky for her the limo stopped. Otherwise this would be a different story but one all too common. "Please let me in" she said. "My name is Candice and I love you the best." A window rolled down. A tiny hand like a childs came out and waved Candice over. She was getting invited into the limo! She ran to the limo and a door opened. She got inside and the limo drove away.

Inside the limo was the One Direction. All five members. They all had nice hair and were wearing nice clothes that were very expensive and they smelled nice because their parents could afford to buy them whatever they wanted. They smiled at Candice. "Hi" said the one who looks kinda like he's maybe Italian or French. "You say you like us the best. We want you to prove it." "Oh I can" Candice said. "I can prove it like nobodys business."

The Italian one got out his you know his thing and it was hard like a 4140 Alloy Round Bar. Then another one got out his thing, it was the one who looks like he's probably got a kid somewhere, and he said "Prove it to both of us." "Okay" Candice said. So she took one thing in each hand and played with them a bit rubbing and stuff. "Oh yeah" they said. "We like that just fine. That'll do her."

They went on like that for a while and then the other three couldnt mind their own beeswax any longer and they said "We want to do something too." Candice thought about it and she said "Start kissing each other" which is a thing these young girls like to see these days. So they started kissing each other like you do just pecking on the lips at first because they werent sure about it but they liked it as these boys tend to do when they make that choice and then it was too late they were making like the people in the movies with their tongues.

It was getting on pretty late and Candice had a curfew. She didnt want to disappoint her parents because she wasnt a bad girl at heart just a bit wayward so she could still be saved. She said "We best be getting along now so lets hurry this up and do the sex." The One Direction agreed. Whichever one was Harry said "Seeing as we're not married we should use protection because thats responsible well abstinence is really the most responsible and there's no reason for us to be doing sex before marriage but if we're going to anyway we'll need the protection." They opened a panel on the limo and inside was the protection. Goggles and leather gloves that would shield them from the heat of the love making. They distributed this protection to everybody in the limo and then Candice said "I'm ready."

Then they had the sex and I dont think I need to get too detailed about that I mean we all know about it even the kids these days even though they shouldnt thats the kind of sick world we live in. And afterward they dropped Candice off at home where her parents were waiting and really they should have been with her at the concert that was really not very responsible of them. "Bye bye" the One Direction said to her. "You really do love us the best." "Stop by and visit me anytime" she told them as they drove away. Nine months later she had a baby even though they used protection because it is not 100 percent so you know that now. She named the baby One Direction and then she went on welfare and we all ended up having to pay for the dang thing like we always do right?

He couldn't think of anything else to type and thought that might mean he was done. He took his wife's copy of The Purpose Driven Life off the shelf and looked at the publishing company. Zondervan. He opened Yahoo and typed in the company's name and brought up its website. He looked for an email address and found a request form. He typed in his email address and for the subject wrote "One Direction sex story for money please." He copy-and-pasted his story into the Description box and clicked "Submit." He sat back in his chair.  "Money in the bank," he said. 

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