30 August 2014

The Ultimate Trailer for the Ultimate Movie


INT. COLLEGE LIBRARY - DAY

A young student, JACOB, reads an old book in the most romantic section of the library.

EMILY (V.O.)
We may be separated by great oceans, mountains, universes of souls, but you are me, and I you, one and the same, now and forever.

Jacob turns to the title page. It’s an 1850s edition of Lilies and Lace by Emily Washington. Her wood block portrait stares back at him.

JACOB (V.O.)
She’s haunted me all my life.

CUT TO:

INT. LABORATORY - DAY

Jacob and his friend, BILL, wear lab coats and examine smoking beakers.

JACOB
I just know it was meant to be. There must be some way can meet.

BILL
But she’s been dead for 150 years.

INSERT:

Her gravestone, neglected but readable. EMILY WASHINGTON, 1839-1859, OUR BELOVED.

BILL (V.O.) (CONT’D)
You’d need some kind of time machine.

CLOSE ON:

Jacob, his eyes gleaming.

CUT TO:

BLACK VOID

Jacob in darkness, his arms outstretched, shouting as electricity flashes and sparks all around.

CUT TO:

BLACK

HOST (V.O.)
May I present to you Miss Emily Washington.

CUT TO:

INT. 1850S DINNER - NIGHT

EMILY WASHINGTON, the spitting image of the portrait, turns to greet Jacob, now dressed in period clothing.

JACOB
I’m a great enthusiast of your work.

She offers her hand. He takes it. Sparks fly.

She smiles. She has crooked and yellow teeth.

SFX: Record needle scratch.

EXT. GARDEN - DAY

Jacob and Bill walk through a path, Jacob head down and depressed.

JACOB
I can’t believe I built that time machine for nothing.

BILL
You’re just not thinking big enough. Check it, bro. I’m gonna show you how to get laid 1850s style!

CUT TO:

INT. BALLROOM - NIGHT

A GAGGLE OF 1850s KNOCKOUTS, dressed in their finest, chatter in the middle of the ballroom.

Jacob and Bill enter carting a keg and a tray of Jello shots.

BILL
Let’s get this party started!

SFX: “This Is How We Do It”

MONTAGE

As Jacob and Bill hand out red plastic cups of beer, Jello shots. The ladies are briefly confused, then immediately enthusiastic.

All drink, dance, party party party.

Bill jams on a harpsichord.

Jacob shows off a bottle of penicillin.

He makes out with one of the ladies. Emily walks in, sees them, pouts.

Another lady announces:

LADY
Dessert is served!

A SLAVE pushes in a dessert cart.

Jacob and Bill see the slave.

ZOOM IN:

On the slave.

SFX: Record needle scratch.

BILL
Dude, what year was slavery abolished?

JACOB
I don’t know.

CUT TO:

INT. SUPREME COURT - DAY

Jacob lectures the SUPREME COURT. Behind him, Bill and Emily sit at a table. The courtroom is packed.

JACOB
This is the issue that has long perplexed our nation. Our central paradox. But we cannot live long with this conflict. For it will--

BILL
Just show them the textbook.

Jacob hands the Supreme Court a copy of History of America, 1400 to Present.

He puts it on their table, flips through the pages.

JACOB
Uhh... Here we are. Civil War. Check that out. And what’s after.

The judges look at the book.

SFX: Gavel slamming down.

JUDGE
Slavery is hereby abolished!

The courtroom cheers.

Bill gives Jacob a thumbs up.

Jacob and Emily smile at each other. Sparks fly again.

Then she grins and shows her teeth. They’re still yellow and crooked.

SFX: Record needle scratch.

JACOB
Oh, right.

CUT TO:

EXT. EMILY’S HOUSE - DAY

It’s raining. Jacob runs through the storm.

SFX: “Solsbury Hill”

BILL (V.O.)
Dude, sometimes you just have to follow your heart.

Jacob races up to Emily’s window. It’s on the second story. He can see her through the window.

JACOB
Emily!

She looks out, sees him.

BILL (V.O.)
And sometimes your heart has to follow you.

He climbs up the ivy-covered wall. She opens her window. He reaches her and they kiss.

Behind her, the door opens. HENRY walks in.

HENRY
But Emily! I am your fiancee!

SFX: Record needle scratch.

EXT. BRIDGE - DAY

Jacob and Emily are running away from Henry, who is leading a PACK OF RUFFIANS toward them.

HENRY
After them!

Jacob and Emily reach the bridge, look down into the water.

JACOB
We’ll jump!

EMILY
But Jacob... I’m pregnant!

SFX: Record needle scratch.

INT. NURSERY - DAY

Jacob, Emily, and Bill stand around the cradle.

JACOB
He’s so cute.

EMILY
But he has... the devil’s eyes!

SFX: Record needle scratch.

The door opens. The wild-eyed DOC SMITH enters and grabs Jacob’s arm.

DOC SMITH
Your son is evil! To save him, we must go back... to the future!

SFX: Record needle scratch.

INT. TIME TUNNEL - IRRELEVANT

Hand in hand, Emily, Jacob, Bill, and Doc Smith fly through the time tunnel.

VOICEOVER GUY (V.O.)
This holiday season. Paravision Studios will give you everything you could want in a movie. Everything.

EXT. POST-APOCALYPTIC WASTELAND - DAY

The foursome stand in the rubble of a city.

DOC SMITH
We’ve gone too far! Your son has already taken over and destroyed the earth!

JACOB
Are you saying I have to... kill my own child?

SFX: Record needle scratch.

BILL
Dude, bummer.

EMILY
How can I deal with this?

She looks down in the rubble and sees a corpse holding a vial of cocaine.

SFX: Record needle scratch.

EMILY (CONT’D)
Oh, hello.

She opens the vial, snorts it.

INT. KITCHEN - DAY

Emily does a line of coke along the kitchen counter. Jacob bursts in.

JACOB
You’re ruining this family!

EMILY
(re: cocaine)
This is my family now!

Bill bursts in.

BILL
This post-apocalyptic radiation has given me superpowers!

He flies into the air.

CUT TO:

MONTAGE

Of random images from the previous scenes and whatever else
we can film and throw in there.

VOICEOVER GUY (V.O.)
You’ll laugh. You’ll cry. You’ll thrill. Then you’ll laugh again. Then there will be some more crying and thrilling. All of the emotions! All of the senses! Will be given the ride of their lives! When you see... For the Love of Party and Steel and Love and Drugs and Science and Also Drama and There’s a Superman Guy in Here Too. Coming soon to a theater near you!

CUT TO:

EXT. THEATER - DAY

The marquee has that title on it. A MAN and WOMAN walk out of the theater.

WOMAN
What did you think?

MAN
(shrugging)
It was alright.

WOMAN
Yeah.

END.

29 August 2014

True Story #4


At bar trivia last night w/ my buddy devin. Our team name wuz 00devin like double oh devin like james bond bcoz I like james bond & devin wants his name in there so it wuz a comprise. The trivia guy wuz saying the team names & there wuz another team called the james blondes it wuz these four girls at a table but only 1 of them wuz blonde. Devin was like we shld go talk & hook up w/ them chicas. I said okay & walked over there but he didn’t & I stopped & looked at him like wut’s up and he just drank his shocktop but the girls already seen me so I kept walking over & then I was like hey uhhh like a dumass and then I said I like ur team name. the blonde she asks wut team are u? & I said 00devin & she said is ur name devin & I said no that’s my friend’s name my name is Justin & she said hi I’m Candace nice to meet u & her friends intro’d themselves too but I forgot their names. I said can I buy u a drink & I meant Candace but they were all like yes so I had to buy them a pitcher which wuz kind of bullshit but whatevs they seemed nice so I got them a shocktop. Candace said james bond wouldn’t drink this & I was all yes he would he doesn’t give a fuck he once electrified a Korean man to death.

The next round started & I forgot wut it wuz something like geography & Candace didn’t care either so me & her kept talking bout james bond & wut a boss he is & it wuz like all my dreams were coming true coz here wuz this chica that like liked james bond too & so then I was like let’s watch a james bond movie & she said right now? & I said well that might make it a little late I have to work at the Food Lion 2morrow it sux & she was like so wut this is james jimmy bond here & I said okay let’s do this.

We went 2 her place & it wasn’t that nice like her mom wasn’t there 2 clean up after her but I didn’t say anything like a gentleman & she put in a dvd of Die Another Day which has that sweet part where james bond is driving on the ice & then there’s a wave & he has a parachute I think? I forgot. Halley berry is hot as fuck tho so I sit down & start watching it & then Candace puts her hand on me & I’m all that’s cool but trying 2 watch the movie & she’s all this movie sux that’s why I put it on & I’m all wut? & she’s all this is just background 4 us 2 get 2 know each other bodylike & I wuz all that’s fine but this is a james bond movie we need to set our piorities like responsible people like james bond & she’s like wut & I’m like I thot u got it I thot u were different & she’s like whatevs & I’m like yeah whatevs is right so I left & went back 2 to the bar and devin was gone & so was the james blondes & we lost anyway. The bartender wuz like ur buddy left a tab & I wuz like let me get my wallet it’s in my car & then I just left like yeah right pal u think I’m gonna take care of that ur a LOSER.

26 June 2014

True Story #3


INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT

HACKY COMEDIAN is on stage - young, male, energetic.

HACKY COMEDIAN
Hey, what would happen if you had sex with a Transformer? Huh?
(mimes sex)
Hey, I think you’re a little low on oil? Am I right? Yeah.

Crowd laughs.

HACKY COMEDIAN (CONT’D)
But what if it transformed while you were having sex with it? Ouch, am I right? Maybe it would go like this.

He thrusts out his crotch and starts screaming.

Crowd laughs.

PAN TO:

The corner. The comedian’s ASSISTANT is recording his performance.

The comedian continues to whoop it up. The crowd continues to laugh.

CUT TO:

INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

The crowd’s laughter now comes from the television.

The comedian and the assistant watch his performance. Serious faces on both of them.

ASSISTANT
     I think it’s great. It’s definitely your best bit.

HACKY COMEDIAN
     It’s not real.

ASSISTANT
     What’s not real?

HACKY COMEDIAN
     Me. I’m not buying it.

ASSISTANT
     But they’re laughing.

HACKY COMEDIAN
(snapping)
     It’s not real!

A beat.

CUT TO:

GARAGE - MOMENTS LATER

The comedian places his penis between the jaws of a bench vise.

The assistant grabs the handle, looks at the comedian.

The comedian nods.

The assistant hesitates.

HACKY COMEDIAN
     Do it!

The assistant twists the handle.

The comedian screams.

CUT TO:

INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT

The comedian is back on stage.

HACKY COMEDIAN
What about having sex with a Transformer? What would that be like, huh?
(mimes sex)
     Hey, I think your oil’s a little low!

Crowd laughs.

HACKY COMEDIAN (CONT’D)
But what if it transforms while you’re having sex with it? Ouch, am I right? Optimus, no--

He screams. It's real and bloodcurdling.

The crowd erupts with laughter.

The comedian paces, soaking it in.

HACKY COMEDIAN (CONT’D)
(to himself)
     There it is. There it is.

He pauses, waits for the laughter to die down.

HACKY COMEDIAN (CONT’D)
And then what happens if the Transformer has sex with you? Whoa! Not on the first date!

He jerks his hips forward, waits for the laugh.

Nothing. Dry coughs.

Sweat appears on the comedian's forehead.

CUT TO:

The corner. The assistant is recording the performance.

HACKY COMEDIAN (CONT’D)
(moving on)
Hey, don’t you just hate other drivers. It’s like, where’s my jet pack?

A single tear spills down the assistant’s face.

CUT TO:

BLACK.