In a couple of short weeks, the Project Twenty1 Film Festival will be here. To help promote it, my Hard Boiled Productions partner-in-crime, Chris Kapcia, edited together a short trailer for our movie, Patient Zero. Please watch it and get excited:
We are certainly not the only ones with a trailer out there. In total, 57 films will be premiering during the festival as part of the competition, and many of the teams behind the films have created trailers to entice audiences to the screenings (show times and tickets here!). These are the films that Patient Zero will be battling for awards and prizes.
As many of you are well aware, pointless conflict generates interest in more or less anything, whether it deserves it or not, so I've decided to crack open a bottle of whiskey, watch these other trailers, and talk some good old fashioned trash about our competition. That's right! I laugh directly in their faces, like a manly hero laughing at danger! HAW HAW HAW! I belittle both their filmmaking prowess and their ability to attract and mate with their desired sexual partners! Especially Team With No Name!
Here we go!
Team Adjective Noun - K
This trailer seems primarily designed to make me jealous about the awesomeness of their shooting location. It says, "Look what we got access to!" Is that a mall? A convention center? A luxury spa that caters to the OCD? The truth shall await a screening of the film, but ultimately, it does not matter. What does matter is that it looks very cool. The teenager in me would like to stage a shoot out in it. Then again, the teenager in me would like to stage a shoot out in just about every location.
Team Crackerhammer - Immoral Desires
When I first saw this trailer, I really dug its retro-risque look and tone. The voiceover guy sounds both appalled and titillated, which is probably what the proper audience response should be. Truth be told, I was very much looking forward to this. Was, I say, because then I found out that it's an affront to decency that must be banned and destroyed. Guess I'll just have to skip it. Too bad, because I usually dig scenes of women making out. You'd think a vociferous religious organization would have bigger fish to fry. I wonder what drew their attention.
Team ? - Between the Blinds
Gotta be honest here - those dolls in the background really freak me out. I know, I know - it's a comedy/drama about a writer seeking inspiration, one that looks very attractively shot and edited. But a part of me is worried it's going to turn into a horror film when those dolls turn out to be sentient and burst through the screen Purple Rose of Cairo-style, cackling as they inexorably prance their way toward me in the audience. And when they reach me....well, I always wake up at that point. I...I'm not sure what they'll do to me. And that's why I'm packing a crossbow and flaming arrows to the showing.
Hey, half the whiskey in this bottle has disappeared already!
Team Mad Men Productions - Thank You For Holding
This trailer doesn't give me a lot to go on, so I'm just going to go ahead and make a bunch of "Mad Men" jokes: This short is about Don Draper finally abandoning the fake life he's fake built for himself to start a whole new fake life. He stages his death, which goes well but unfortunately leaves his daughter Sally thinking it was her fault, so she grows up to be even more damaged than you thought she would be, joining the Symbionese Liberation Army. She's eventually arrested and sentenced to a lifetime in prison. Then Don hits the road, Beatnik-style, but when he comes across actual Beatniks he beats them death because he can't stand them and they should have turned into hippies by this point. He bangs a lot of blondes provided by television writers living out their fantasies and says "I think we're done here" after punching out - and earning the respect of - Steve McQueen. Don becomes a popular stunt man and inspires both "The Fall Guy" and Hooper. After his retirement, he learns that Sally's latest bid for parole has been rejected yet again by a crooked board, so he rallies the surviving members of Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce (they have a solemn moment where they pour whiskey and vodka on Roger's grave) to go bust Sally out in the most audacious jailbreak in recorded history.
Uhh...I guess that's Don calling in the trailer. And Christian Rivera is the "tech guy" they need to build and operate their insanely complicated jailbreak equipment. THIS MOVIE IS GOING TO BE AWESOME.
Team Pandamonium - Drawn
I just realized that I haven't been talking nearly enough trash about these movies yet. So Team Pandamonium, you're about to get a big ol' helping of snark! Yeah! Uh...ahhhh...hold on a second....Oh! Nice outfit, guy! Did your mom dress you? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!....Oh, she did? I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend. Actually, I think purple isn't worn enough by men these days. I wish I had the guts to pull it off but...I don't know. I think everyone is always judging me. I lack confidence in myself. That's why I lash out. Oh, God, I just had a breakthrough. Someone call my therapist!
You know what I really like about this trailer? The panda logo. He looks cool as a cucumber. He's the Fonz of pandas. Then again, most pandas are too lazy to even procreate, so I guess they're all pretty laid back. Dare I declare pandas to be the stoners of the animal kingdom? I dare.
Team Justice Productions - Love Bytes
Team Podcast--er, Team Justice Productions returns this year with what looks like an 8-bit inspired beat 'em up. If I stand tall for anything, it's violence in cinema, so I can't wait to see what kinds of ass kicking they have in store. Especially if that banana and that gorilla go head-to-head. Man, I bet that banana hands the gorilla its ass on a silver platter. I'm taking bets, everybody! Six to one odds on the banana! Thirty-two to eight on the gorilla! Sixteen by nine on the guy in red! Zero to two on Johnny Cage! 400 quatloos on the newcomer! Green M&Ms to a bowl of Booberry on The Surprise Appearance of Timothy Dalton! The Magna Carta to a warm cardigan on The Reanimated Corpse of Benjamin Franklin! George Burns' cigar to Sammy Davis' glass eye on Clint Eastwood's Squint!
Whoops, this bottle is done. Please enjoy this musical break while I open a new one.
Team Scumberland Productions - Hollow
I'd talk trash here, but this movie is about firefighters, and we're not supposed to say anything bad about them ever. This movie is therefore "critic-proof." In fact, I've heard that anyone who trash talks it will end up burning alive in a fire set by Ignatius Sparkplug, the Patron Saint of Firefighters. THE RUMORS START HERE, PEOPLE.
Team House That Hate Built - The House That Hate Built: The Midas Touch
This film is not screening as part of the juried competition, so I won't bother to hate on it. Good thing too, because I am not one to hate on hate. Being a hateful person myself, hate largely propels me in my day-to-day life. It provides me with most of my motivation. This film is also, apparently, the first in a series, so to get on the good side of a promising enterprise, I'll provide them with a blurb they can use in their promotional materials: "A Laurel & Hardy for a new generation! This comedy team makes all the others look like complete dickwads! Quit your job and devote your entire life to 'The House That Hate Built'! It's Hate-tastic! You'll love hate when you see 'The House That Hate Built!' Everything that came before this series was a complete waste of your time! If you don't watch this show, commit seppuku! Abandon your family and friends and meet your new overlord!"
I'm sure there's something in there they can use.
Team The Toxic Avengers - Kill 'Em Off
Wait. Is this film about killing off cute girls? Or is it about cute girls killing off guys in suits? Or is it both? Whichever it is, something better be getting killed off in this movie, or I'm going to be very disappointed. Like that time I saw Reservoir Dogs. There were no dogs! The characters never even went to the pound!*
*Joke provided by the Association of Hack Sitcom Writers of America.
Team Art Party Pictures - Uncertain Harvest
I live in New York City, as I like to tell everybody who doesn't live in New York City, but sometimes, when I'm tired of the constant city struggle, the concrete skyscraper prisons, the unceasing hum and noise, the hours upon hours of always having something to do, I yearn for the countryside. For the sound of crickets. For a sky lit by stars and not porno theater signs. For undulating fields of wheat drifting in the late summer breeze. For the vacant stare of a cud-chewing llama.
I have a feeling that Uncertain Harvest is telling me that's all crap. It proves the old aphorism I just made up: It's better to be a tourist in the country than a farmer who has to shovel shit all day.
Time for another refill, kids! Here's something to amuse yourselves with until I get back.
Team That Ain't RIGHT! Films - Life Lines
This trailer asks a provocative question: "If you could change the future ['It involves a small procedure, but it's gonna cost you.' 'I don't care, I can pay.'], would you do it?" None of us can ever really know the answer, which is "Yes, of course. Let's do it right now." Hey, I'd change the future just to say I did it, even if it turns out worse for me when it's over. How badass would that be as a pick-up line? "Hey. What's up? You look good. I can change the future." Who could call you on that? They don't know the future.
You know what the problem with plots like this is? There's always consequences for people doing things that go against God and Nature. Why can't things turn out cool for once? "The monkey's paw will grant you anything you desire, but it will cost you....five dollars." And then everyone in the world gets to have a monkey's paw, and they have wish-offs against their enemies! Right there's your dramatic conflict. Get me in touch with Jerry Bruckheimer! I know how he can recoup his losses on The Sorcerer's Apprentice! I've already got a tagline: "With great power comes awesomeness. Seriously. It's really awesome. Like...really."
Team Troglodytes - Between the Lines
My prediction: This lady ain't gonna make it, so don't get too attached to her. It'll make it that much harder to say goodbye...How the hell did they get a car crashed anyway? I'd hate to be the production assistant in charge of that. "Robert. Thanks for helping out. I'm going to assign you...uhh...no, we've already got someone fetching coffee...hmmm...ah, here we go: Crashing the car. Just go ahead and get it up to about forty, fifty miles an hour on the highway, then turn the wheel really hard and let that sucker flip. Cool? You do want a good reference, don't you, Robert?"
Team NERDPOP - Introvert
Here's a trailer that asks us a series of thoughtful questions. Luckily, I know the answers. They are, in order:
1. Your CD collection.
2. A little of both.
3. One of those old people who keeps all the baseballs and frisbees that land on their lawn.
4. No.
5. Yes. Definitely.
6. A crossing guard's. But not The Crossing Guard.
Team Synthetic Human Pictures - Tension of Skin
I wasn't sure how this trailer made me feel. Horny? Disturbed? Hornily disturbed? So I cheated a little and read the summary in its YouTube description: "Love is not always affirming, fulfilling, or compassionate. When Michael (Mario Guzman) and Sharon (Davina Joy) come together, the mix is potent, brutal and bad. Fighting for possession of their feelings and each other, will they destroy themselves before they learn to read between the lines?"
I hate to be one of those people who compares everything to whatever is currently going on in pop culture, but that description makes me think of that Eminem/Rihanna song. Which is AWFUL. Just a truly crappy and tedious song. This movie can only improve on that, therefore I am inclined to enjoy it already. Go for it, movie!
Team Drop the HAT - Total Rewrite
This isn't technically a trailer so I don't feel obliged to comment at length on it, but that introduction was so enthusiastic I had to at least include the video here. I hope they beat the shit out of that Pierre guy!
Team Liberty Bell Films - Asphalt Heart
My favorite part? When "VENGEANCE" appears on the screen. No, that's not the title of the film, it's what happens in it. It quickly and efficiently relates what the film is about in a matter of seconds. Two women, in a Charger, getting vengeance on Tanner. They didn't even need a voiceover guy! All trailers should be this succinct. Most of them get boring after the first minute or so anyway: "In a world where..." Violence, violence. Exposition exposition exposition. Violence. One liner. Conversation with the bad guy. Violence, violence, violence. Premiere date. YAWN.
That appears to be the end of the Competition trailers as of the current date. There are more previews on Project Twenty1's YouTube channel for several Filmathon movies (including Handlebar, which I highly encourage everyone to see Saturday night because it's very hilarious and because I came up with the title), but I won't comment on those because they're not the competition.
This, then, is the end of my WRATH! Feel my scorn, competitors! Bring it the weekend of October 1st through the 3rd, at the International House in Philadelphia, for there shall be a RUMBLE! the likes of which has never been seen before on this EARTH! And all parties interested in witnessing such a TITANIC! battle should purchase an all-weekend festival pass NOW! before they sell out and you'll have to buy individual tickets for each show, which is very ANNOYING! and not particularly COST-EFFECTIVE!
We are certainly not the only ones with a trailer out there. In total, 57 films will be premiering during the festival as part of the competition, and many of the teams behind the films have created trailers to entice audiences to the screenings (show times and tickets here!). These are the films that Patient Zero will be battling for awards and prizes.
As many of you are well aware, pointless conflict generates interest in more or less anything, whether it deserves it or not, so I've decided to crack open a bottle of whiskey, watch these other trailers, and talk some good old fashioned trash about our competition. That's right! I laugh directly in their faces, like a manly hero laughing at danger! HAW HAW HAW! I belittle both their filmmaking prowess and their ability to attract and mate with their desired sexual partners! Especially Team With No Name!
Here we go!
Team Adjective Noun - K
This trailer seems primarily designed to make me jealous about the awesomeness of their shooting location. It says, "Look what we got access to!" Is that a mall? A convention center? A luxury spa that caters to the OCD? The truth shall await a screening of the film, but ultimately, it does not matter. What does matter is that it looks very cool. The teenager in me would like to stage a shoot out in it. Then again, the teenager in me would like to stage a shoot out in just about every location.
Team Crackerhammer - Immoral Desires
When I first saw this trailer, I really dug its retro-risque look and tone. The voiceover guy sounds both appalled and titillated, which is probably what the proper audience response should be. Truth be told, I was very much looking forward to this. Was, I say, because then I found out that it's an affront to decency that must be banned and destroyed. Guess I'll just have to skip it. Too bad, because I usually dig scenes of women making out. You'd think a vociferous religious organization would have bigger fish to fry. I wonder what drew their attention.
Team ? - Between the Blinds
Gotta be honest here - those dolls in the background really freak me out. I know, I know - it's a comedy/drama about a writer seeking inspiration, one that looks very attractively shot and edited. But a part of me is worried it's going to turn into a horror film when those dolls turn out to be sentient and burst through the screen Purple Rose of Cairo-style, cackling as they inexorably prance their way toward me in the audience. And when they reach me....well, I always wake up at that point. I...I'm not sure what they'll do to me. And that's why I'm packing a crossbow and flaming arrows to the showing.
Hey, half the whiskey in this bottle has disappeared already!
Team Mad Men Productions - Thank You For Holding
This trailer doesn't give me a lot to go on, so I'm just going to go ahead and make a bunch of "Mad Men" jokes: This short is about Don Draper finally abandoning the fake life he's fake built for himself to start a whole new fake life. He stages his death, which goes well but unfortunately leaves his daughter Sally thinking it was her fault, so she grows up to be even more damaged than you thought she would be, joining the Symbionese Liberation Army. She's eventually arrested and sentenced to a lifetime in prison. Then Don hits the road, Beatnik-style, but when he comes across actual Beatniks he beats them death because he can't stand them and they should have turned into hippies by this point. He bangs a lot of blondes provided by television writers living out their fantasies and says "I think we're done here" after punching out - and earning the respect of - Steve McQueen. Don becomes a popular stunt man and inspires both "The Fall Guy" and Hooper. After his retirement, he learns that Sally's latest bid for parole has been rejected yet again by a crooked board, so he rallies the surviving members of Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce (they have a solemn moment where they pour whiskey and vodka on Roger's grave) to go bust Sally out in the most audacious jailbreak in recorded history.
Uhh...I guess that's Don calling in the trailer. And Christian Rivera is the "tech guy" they need to build and operate their insanely complicated jailbreak equipment. THIS MOVIE IS GOING TO BE AWESOME.
Team Pandamonium - Drawn
I just realized that I haven't been talking nearly enough trash about these movies yet. So Team Pandamonium, you're about to get a big ol' helping of snark! Yeah! Uh...ahhhh...hold on a second....Oh! Nice outfit, guy! Did your mom dress you? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!....Oh, she did? I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend. Actually, I think purple isn't worn enough by men these days. I wish I had the guts to pull it off but...I don't know. I think everyone is always judging me. I lack confidence in myself. That's why I lash out. Oh, God, I just had a breakthrough. Someone call my therapist!
You know what I really like about this trailer? The panda logo. He looks cool as a cucumber. He's the Fonz of pandas. Then again, most pandas are too lazy to even procreate, so I guess they're all pretty laid back. Dare I declare pandas to be the stoners of the animal kingdom? I dare.
Team Justice Productions - Love Bytes
Team Podcast--er, Team Justice Productions returns this year with what looks like an 8-bit inspired beat 'em up. If I stand tall for anything, it's violence in cinema, so I can't wait to see what kinds of ass kicking they have in store. Especially if that banana and that gorilla go head-to-head. Man, I bet that banana hands the gorilla its ass on a silver platter. I'm taking bets, everybody! Six to one odds on the banana! Thirty-two to eight on the gorilla! Sixteen by nine on the guy in red! Zero to two on Johnny Cage! 400 quatloos on the newcomer! Green M&Ms to a bowl of Booberry on The Surprise Appearance of Timothy Dalton! The Magna Carta to a warm cardigan on The Reanimated Corpse of Benjamin Franklin! George Burns' cigar to Sammy Davis' glass eye on Clint Eastwood's Squint!
Whoops, this bottle is done. Please enjoy this musical break while I open a new one.
Team Scumberland Productions - Hollow
I'd talk trash here, but this movie is about firefighters, and we're not supposed to say anything bad about them ever. This movie is therefore "critic-proof." In fact, I've heard that anyone who trash talks it will end up burning alive in a fire set by Ignatius Sparkplug, the Patron Saint of Firefighters. THE RUMORS START HERE, PEOPLE.
Team House That Hate Built - The House That Hate Built: The Midas Touch
This film is not screening as part of the juried competition, so I won't bother to hate on it. Good thing too, because I am not one to hate on hate. Being a hateful person myself, hate largely propels me in my day-to-day life. It provides me with most of my motivation. This film is also, apparently, the first in a series, so to get on the good side of a promising enterprise, I'll provide them with a blurb they can use in their promotional materials: "A Laurel & Hardy for a new generation! This comedy team makes all the others look like complete dickwads! Quit your job and devote your entire life to 'The House That Hate Built'! It's Hate-tastic! You'll love hate when you see 'The House That Hate Built!' Everything that came before this series was a complete waste of your time! If you don't watch this show, commit seppuku! Abandon your family and friends and meet your new overlord!"
I'm sure there's something in there they can use.
Team The Toxic Avengers - Kill 'Em Off
Wait. Is this film about killing off cute girls? Or is it about cute girls killing off guys in suits? Or is it both? Whichever it is, something better be getting killed off in this movie, or I'm going to be very disappointed. Like that time I saw Reservoir Dogs. There were no dogs! The characters never even went to the pound!*
*Joke provided by the Association of Hack Sitcom Writers of America.
Team Art Party Pictures - Uncertain Harvest
I live in New York City, as I like to tell everybody who doesn't live in New York City, but sometimes, when I'm tired of the constant city struggle, the concrete skyscraper prisons, the unceasing hum and noise, the hours upon hours of always having something to do, I yearn for the countryside. For the sound of crickets. For a sky lit by stars and not porno theater signs. For undulating fields of wheat drifting in the late summer breeze. For the vacant stare of a cud-chewing llama.
I have a feeling that Uncertain Harvest is telling me that's all crap. It proves the old aphorism I just made up: It's better to be a tourist in the country than a farmer who has to shovel shit all day.
Time for another refill, kids! Here's something to amuse yourselves with until I get back.
Team That Ain't RIGHT! Films - Life Lines
This trailer asks a provocative question: "If you could change the future ['It involves a small procedure, but it's gonna cost you.' 'I don't care, I can pay.'], would you do it?" None of us can ever really know the answer, which is "Yes, of course. Let's do it right now." Hey, I'd change the future just to say I did it, even if it turns out worse for me when it's over. How badass would that be as a pick-up line? "Hey. What's up? You look good. I can change the future." Who could call you on that? They don't know the future.
You know what the problem with plots like this is? There's always consequences for people doing things that go against God and Nature. Why can't things turn out cool for once? "The monkey's paw will grant you anything you desire, but it will cost you....five dollars." And then everyone in the world gets to have a monkey's paw, and they have wish-offs against their enemies! Right there's your dramatic conflict. Get me in touch with Jerry Bruckheimer! I know how he can recoup his losses on The Sorcerer's Apprentice! I've already got a tagline: "With great power comes awesomeness. Seriously. It's really awesome. Like...really."
Team Troglodytes - Between the Lines
My prediction: This lady ain't gonna make it, so don't get too attached to her. It'll make it that much harder to say goodbye...How the hell did they get a car crashed anyway? I'd hate to be the production assistant in charge of that. "Robert. Thanks for helping out. I'm going to assign you...uhh...no, we've already got someone fetching coffee...hmmm...ah, here we go: Crashing the car. Just go ahead and get it up to about forty, fifty miles an hour on the highway, then turn the wheel really hard and let that sucker flip. Cool? You do want a good reference, don't you, Robert?"
Team NERDPOP - Introvert
Here's a trailer that asks us a series of thoughtful questions. Luckily, I know the answers. They are, in order:
1. Your CD collection.
2. A little of both.
3. One of those old people who keeps all the baseballs and frisbees that land on their lawn.
4. No.
5. Yes. Definitely.
6. A crossing guard's. But not The Crossing Guard.
Team Synthetic Human Pictures - Tension of Skin
I wasn't sure how this trailer made me feel. Horny? Disturbed? Hornily disturbed? So I cheated a little and read the summary in its YouTube description: "Love is not always affirming, fulfilling, or compassionate. When Michael (Mario Guzman) and Sharon (Davina Joy) come together, the mix is potent, brutal and bad. Fighting for possession of their feelings and each other, will they destroy themselves before they learn to read between the lines?"
I hate to be one of those people who compares everything to whatever is currently going on in pop culture, but that description makes me think of that Eminem/Rihanna song. Which is AWFUL. Just a truly crappy and tedious song. This movie can only improve on that, therefore I am inclined to enjoy it already. Go for it, movie!
Team Drop the HAT - Total Rewrite
This isn't technically a trailer so I don't feel obliged to comment at length on it, but that introduction was so enthusiastic I had to at least include the video here. I hope they beat the shit out of that Pierre guy!
Team Liberty Bell Films - Asphalt Heart
My favorite part? When "VENGEANCE" appears on the screen. No, that's not the title of the film, it's what happens in it. It quickly and efficiently relates what the film is about in a matter of seconds. Two women, in a Charger, getting vengeance on Tanner. They didn't even need a voiceover guy! All trailers should be this succinct. Most of them get boring after the first minute or so anyway: "In a world where..." Violence, violence. Exposition exposition exposition. Violence. One liner. Conversation with the bad guy. Violence, violence, violence. Premiere date. YAWN.
That appears to be the end of the Competition trailers as of the current date. There are more previews on Project Twenty1's YouTube channel for several Filmathon movies (including Handlebar, which I highly encourage everyone to see Saturday night because it's very hilarious and because I came up with the title), but I won't comment on those because they're not the competition.
This, then, is the end of my WRATH! Feel my scorn, competitors! Bring it the weekend of October 1st through the 3rd, at the International House in Philadelphia, for there shall be a RUMBLE! the likes of which has never been seen before on this EARTH! And all parties interested in witnessing such a TITANIC! battle should purchase an all-weekend festival pass NOW! before they sell out and you'll have to buy individual tickets for each show, which is very ANNOYING! and not particularly COST-EFFECTIVE!
Posts
be kind...everyone has someone who loves them. but on the other hand i laughed out loud as i read your reviews/trash talk and watched the trailers. good luck!!!
ReplyDelete